The Onion is a well known newspaper published in the U.S., but be careful about getting your news from it. None of the stories are true.

The Onion is a parody (imitation; false) newspaper that publishes satirical (using humor to expose or make fun of other people) articles about local, nation, and international events. This was one of their recent “news stories,” with a few excerpts (short parts or sections):

National Science Foundation: Science Hard

INDIANAPOLIS—The National Science Foundation’s annual symposium (academic or scientific meeting) concluded (ended) Monday, with the 1,500 scientists in attendance reaching the consensus (agreement) that science is hard…

The science-is-hard theorem (scientific explanation) first posited (offered as an explanation) by a team of MIT (Massachusett Institute of Technology; a university in Boston) professors in 1990, was slow to gain acceptance (to be accepted; to be considered true) within the science community…

“We now believe that the theorem is 99.999% likely to be true, after applying these incredibly complex (complicated; with many parts) statistical (analyzing numbers) techniques that gave me a splitting (very painful) headache,” one of the scientists said.

If you like satire, this is the newspaper for you.

~ Lucy

Today’s ESL Podcast 341 is about annoying cell phone users. I, like many people, get annoyed when cell phone users are inconsiderate (impolite; behave selfishly), and today’s podcast reminded me of this joke.

~ Lucy
….

Several men are in the locker room (changing and showering room) of a gym after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches (low, long seats) rings. A man picks it up and has this conversation:

Man: “Hello?”
Woman: “Honey, It’s me.”
Man: “Hello, darling.”
Woman: “Are you at the gym?”
Man: “Yes.”
Woman: “Great! I’m at the shopping mall. I saw a beautiful mink coat (coat made of animal fur). It is absolutely gorgeous (very beautiful)! Can I buy it?”
Man: “What’s the price?”
Woman: “Only $1,500.”
Man: “Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much.”
Woman: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership (store where cars are sold) and saw the 2008 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price.”
Man: “What price did he quote (give) you?”
Woman: “Only $80,000!”
Man: “Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options (special features; additions).”
Woman: “Great! Before we hang up, there’s something else…”
Man: “What?”
Woman: “I stopped by to see the real estate agent (a person’s whose job is to help people buy and sell homes and properties) this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. The price has dropped (declined).”
Man: “How much are they asking?”
Woman: “Only $650,000, a great price.”
Man: “Well, then go ahead and buy it if you can get the price to $620,000, okay?”
Woman: “Okay, honey. Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
Man: Bye.”

The man hangs up and asks aloud, “Does anyone know to whom this phone belongs?”