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Doctor Jokes by Henny Youngman

Henny Youngman was a comedian most famous and popular in the U.S. in the 1950’s. He was known for his one-liners, which are short, simple jokes that are usually delivered (said) quickly. We talked about perhaps his most famous joke in the Learning Guide for English Cafe 47. His jokes are still told today.

Friday’s ESL Podcast 379 is called “A Routine Medical Procedure.” If you need to see the doctor, I hope you don’t see one of these!

~ Lucy
doctoriff.gif
The doctor says, “You’ll live to be 60!”
The patient says, “I am 60!”
The doctor says, “See, what did I tell you (what I told you was right)?”

A doctor says to a man, “You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run 10 miles a day.”
Two weeks later, the man called the doctor.
The doctor says, “How is your love life since you have been running?”
“I don’t know, I’m 140 miles away!”

The doctor says to the patient, “Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window.”
“What will that do?” asks the patient.
The doctor says, “I’m mad (angry) at my neighbor!”

Doctor says to a man, “You’re pregnant (going to have a baby)!”
The man says, “How does a man get pregnant?”
The doctor says, “The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner….”

Nurse: “Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to (told was completely healthy) dropped dead right (immediately; at the moment) as he was leaving the office”.
Doctor: “Turn him around. Make it look like he was walking in.”

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* Cartoon: Funny has too meanings. It means something that makes you laugh and something that is strange or feels strange. Ridiculous = silly; absurd

6 Responses to “Doctor Jokes by Henny Youngman”

  1. Grzegorz Says:

    In Poland we have similar series of jokes about woman coming to doctor.
    Doctor: Take your clothes off.
    Woman: Where should I put them.
    Doctor: Next to mine.

  2. robert Says:

    lol

  3. Gulls Says:

    Patient: When I push with my finger on my head, I feel pain.
    When I push with my finger on my knees, I feel pain.
    When I push with my finger on my kidneys, I feel pain.
    Doctor: I see, your finger is broken.

    Doctor: If you still go ahead for two years with this unhealthy live, you are dead in two months.

    Doctor: It’s a long time ago that I’ve seen you.
    Patient: I was very ill .

  4. Jamshid Says:

    Patient comes to doctor totally drunken.

    Doctor: why you are drunken again ,I told you ; you are allowed to drink only one glass whiskey every night.
    Patient: I know but I go every weekday to another doctor.

    Jamshid from Berlin

  5. darren Says:

    pretty funny! i mean interesting. a bit ironic.

  6. emiliano Says:

    Real life, many years ago I have to go to the doctor a digestive’s specialist, and I tried to explain the symptoms I had, so I told him I feel this and that and if I put my fingers
    over here and push a little I feel pain.
    He replied me, don’t touch there and you should’nt feel pain.
    It isn’t a joke, that happened to me on my first visit to a digestive’s specialist who was joined to the medical staff of the company I was working in Madrid, and I have remember it despite so long time reading what Gulls jokes says.
    You may understand that I am not very fond to doctors, but I have gone to see them more often than I wanted.

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